Wednesday, July 23, 2008

How to shower

This cracks me up every time I read it.

I thought it might be appropriate to post today given that our latest arrangement for work transportation has caused some bathroom congestion lately and the showering differences (namely, my desire to have private time in the shower and my husband’s desire to wag his wiener at me) have arisen.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut, Oatmeal and Brown Sugar soap. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut, Oatmeal and Brown Sugar soap.

Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

Shave armpits and legs.

Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Take a bite out of that yummy thing that kinda tastes like ginger, oatmeal and brown sugar.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your behind using wife’s loofah.

Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

1 comment:

Ari said...

sounds about like my house....

i refer to the "woo-woo" action as waggling....