Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Driving and cars

Conversation in the car on the way to school/work:

Son: Cover the brake, cover the brake.

Me: What?

Son: You’re going downhill and there’s a light – cover the brake.

Me: My foot is fast. I don’t have to cover the brake.

Son and daughter in unison, sounding horrified: YOU DON’T COVER THE BRAKE?!?!?!

I love driving lessons from my kids. By the way, the light was green and there were no cars in front of me for quite a ways. I think I was relatively safe not covering the brake at that particular moment.

While walking to the parking lot at the end of the day, my daughter and I saw the strangest little car. I have no idea what it was, but it looked like a roller skate with a large man stuffed inside. It was TINY. I’m sure it was an environmentally friendly electrical car or something, but I’d be scared of being SMASHED LIKE A BUG in an accident (and not from lack of brake covering). My daughter and I determined that the car must belong to the man’s wife. Not only was it teeny tiny and funny looking, but the license plate read: SO CUTE. Yeah, no guy would have that license plate.

And speaking of license plates, what is this one all about?


Yummy baby bones? Soft baby buns? Any guesses? ‘Cause it’s driving me crazy.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Women and their closets

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Women are rarely happy with the way they look. At least the women I know. They all want to be thinner or in better shape. And they NEVER get rid of any clothes that ever fit them when they WERE thinner or in better shape. NEVER.

So I, for instance, have a closet FULL of clothes that don’t fit me. Because I hate to buy clothes in a size I don’t want to be.

It’s been about ten years since I have been anywhere near a size that I actually wanted to be. Which means there are lots of clothes in my closet that haven’t seen the light of day in a very long time.

But do I get rid of them? NO. Why? Because SOMEDAY I WILL BE THAT SIZE AGAIN!

Strangely enough, I’m very quick to unload clothes that are too big for me. So when I did the Phen-Fenn “I don’t care if I EVER eat” diet and lost the most weight I ever lost as an adult, I was happy to offload my “big” clothes on someone else who could wear them.

Yeah, that made it even harder to deal with when I gained all that weight back and not only did I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and bemoan my lack of self control in the food department, but I also had next to nothing to wear.

Did I get rid of any of my “small” clothes? HECK NO. I have clothes whose styles will not come back for another 20 years (because eventually every bad clothing idea comes back). But I refuse to donate them to a thrift store. There is a minuscule chance that SOME DAY I’ll wear them again.

You notice that, even with a track history of gaining lost weight back, I still got rid of the big clothes.

And that’s why right now, I have the pants of Sharon’s past - recent enough past that I haven't had a chance to get rid of them yet. When I wear them, I need a belt to ensure I don’t resemble the teenage guys who seem to want to share their underwear with everyone.

And I have the pants of Sharon’s future, which I can manage to squeeze my ass into if I really try. But just because a person can get a pair of pants zipped that in no way means they should actually inflict them on the public.

The pants of Sharon’s present? Nowhere to be found.